Fact: I am the world’s worst blogger. (Obviously)
Fact: I let busyness get the best of me. Every. Single. Day.
Fact: I measure my value by the amount of things I cross off my to-do list at the end of the day.
I confess this because today I need to share a beautiful moment that sums up the lesson I’m slowly and stubbornly learning.
We’re in the process of moving to the next state over, which is quite a daunting task. I’ve spent the last several weeks packing, planning, and stressing until I’ve made myself physically ill. Instead of powering through my massive to-do list, it’s just growing longer by the day!
Now, I’d love to think that once we actually move and get settled, I’ll relax some. My to-do lists will shrink, and life will take on a new normal. But I know it won’t. Because when I’m totally honest with myself, I know that this stress really has very little to do with the big task of moving. This is just me, my life. This is how I am. If I haven’t cleaned my house, purged something, accomplished my writing, and been on top of my mommy and wifey game, I feel utterly worthless.
This deep down-to-the-bone sickness I feel all the time has been going on for so long, I don’t really remember what it’s like to feel well anymore. I am slowly killing myself, losing joy day after day, and never feeling free from the ginormous burdens I place on myself.
He just loves it when we do crap like this to ourselves. I’m convinced his favorite word is “enough”. He whispers that word to me a thousand times a day in various phrasings. “You’re not a good enough mom.” “You don’t spend enough time with the kids.” “You’re not doing enough to promote your writing career.” “You’re not a supportive enough wife.”
And because of that, I sink deeper into dissatisfaction with myself and with my life. I hate it.
Recognizing Satan’s voice in my life has been horrifying. Mostly because I hate how often I’ve listened to it and let it sink into my brain like poison.
One of my favorite things about my Heavenly Father is that He never lets Satan have the last word. And lately, John 10:10 has been running through my mind like a divinely inspired screensaver.
“The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that you may have life and have it abundantly.”
Well, how about that?
As I meditate on this verse, I find myself craving that abundant life. I don’t always experience it. I don’t allow myself to feel joy and relish in the blessings I’ve been given.
Which brings me to today and my reason for posting to this blog for the first time in a year.
I spent my morning cleaning, working on laundry, and packing boxes. While I worked, my brain tossed around book ideas and reminded me how far behind I am in my writing career versus where I want to be. I relied on my coffee for energy and sent up prayers to keep me going forward.
But in spite of all the work I wanted to get done, my little boy needed me. Now, he’s not a cuddly kid. I have to chase him down for hugs most of the time. But today, he wanted to snuggle. So I did.
He wanted to play Legos next—and I am horrible at building with Legos. But we built.
Since the forecast promised a scorcher, I suggested to the kids that we have our outside playtime in the morning before it got too hot. They agreed, and I put on the sprinkler, grabbed my chair, and planned to watch them run and play while I worked on my next to-do list.
I only sat for about five minutes before, Ross begged me to join him. They know Mom isn’t one to go run through the sprinkler, but he insisted. I’d just showered after all my work inside and didn’t need to get covered in grass and dirt, but I felt in my heart that what I needed to do today was run through the sprinkler with my kids.
I grabbed my swimsuit (ignoring the voice that kept whispering that I didn’t look good enough to wear it)and off we went to the yard where we paired a tarp slip-in-slide with the sprinkler and spent the next few hours playing, laughing, and making memories.
Lunch wasn’t ready when Matt got home to eat. The laundry wasn’t done either. And you could track us through the house by following the grass blades from the front door to the bathrooms.
We made peanut butter and jelly sandwiches on the back deck and jumped right back in the water when we were finished. That’s when my little guy turned to me and said, “Mom, I don’t think I’ve ever had this much fun in my entire life.”
Oh, my heart.
That’s what I miss when I put more of my focus on my to-do list and less on the amazing gifts I’ve been given. That’s what I miss when I let Satan speak louder than my Heavenly Father. That’s what I miss when I measure my worth in nonsense and physical accomplishments.
And I don’t want to do that anymore.
God has already granted me abundant life. I just have to take it.